What would you like your epitaph to say?

I’ve never really thought about it! I like Billy Connolly’s idea – he said that his would be written in tiny words on his gravestone so that the reader would have to go right up to it to read it. It would say “You’re standing on my balls”! For obvious reasons, that would not be suitable for me!

I do know what I want my funeral to be like. None of this bright colours and celebrate my life rubbish – I want people to MOURN me! Black bombazine for a year at least!

My hymns will be Abide With Me and The Day Thou Gavest Lord Is Ended.
The poems will be Remember Me by Christina Rossetti, and Funeral Blues by WH Auden.

My wake will be full of drink and people wailing – if there are not enough of these (although There bloody well should be or I’ll haunt you all!) then you can hire professional mourners. You know, the type that wail hysterically and for prolonged periods!

Seriously though, I would just want something simple. Something that means something to those that are left. Something like “Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep”! Something to comfort those who loved me.